Practical Steps in Choosing a Wife in Islam

 

Marriage is a sacred institution in Islam, and the choice of a spouse is a decision that holds great significance in a person's life. One of the Reasons for this is that Marriage is the Core foundation of any family and from our previous posts, you can discern that family is very,very important in Islam.

Islam provides guidance on how to select a life partner wisely, emphasizing qualities of faith, character, and piety. In this Post, we will explore practical steps in choosing a wife in Islam, supported by Quranic verses, Hadith, and an inspiring Islamic story. So, this is an all important post for all Muslim Bachelors worldwide. God willing, we shall try come up with the spinster's angle to marriage in the nearest future, insha Allah! Now, moving on to the very first step!

1. Seeking Allah's Guidance through Prayer

One of the first and most crucial steps in choosing a wife in Islam is seeking Allah's guidance through sincere prayer (du'a). This practice is rooted in the belief that Allah knows what is best for us and can guide us to the right path. Quranic verse 2:186 reminds us, "And when My servants ask you concerning Me, indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me."

Supplications are the weapons of the believer. By prayers, not by might alone does a Believer seeks and strives for whatever his goals are...marriage is no exception. As a Muslim, you are supposed to begin asking for a compatible and pious wife very early in life just as you, too, continue to be the best version of a Muslim that you can be. 

Compatibility can not be over emphasized in a marriage. This is what many people seek for when they go all out keeping sex partners - boyfriends and girlfriends. Ashaiton has tricked millions if not billions into committing Zina (extra marital sexual affairs) in the Name of checking out their partner's compatibility with them. Masha Allah, Zina, is another hot topic we shall discuss in the nearest future.

The Best way to do this (compatibility check) while still keeping chaste is by way of supplication and by taking to the other steps as illustrated below.

 

2. Evaluating Faith and Character

In Islam, faith (Iman) and character (Akhlaq) are paramount when choosing a spouse. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of these qualities in several Hadiths. One Hadith states, "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!" (Bukhari and Muslim)

As they say, birds of the same feather flock together. While seeking a wife, don't go looking for her from amongst the wayward bunch. As the Hadith stated clearly, worldly attributes are not good enough reasons to marry a girl. While they are important, you are supposed to look for those AFTER the most important one is FIRMLY ESTABLISHED which is none other than the Religious compatibility.

Once you establish the fact that she is a practicing Muslim, then you can check out the other qualities in her. So long she's not too different from the looks of your ideal dream girl (that is, her body type, complexion and skin tone etc) ...if she passes the test by 60%, I'd say you go with her. This is because, you'll NEVER find a girl that qualifies 100%. In most cases, most can't pass your standards by more than 70%

3. Seeking the Approval of the Wali

The role of a guardian or Wali is significant in Islamic marriage. It is important to seek the approval and blessings of the bride's guardian when considering marriage. We are human beings, we are different from all other creatures of Allah by the virtue of our common sense and free will. Nikah (marriage) is a kind of gift to us from Allah (SWT). There's no Nikah without the consent of the Wali (the Father or Guardian under whos authority the girl is). This practice ensures that the marriage is conducted with the consent of all parties involved, thereby fostering harmony and unity within the family.

Depending on the ethnicity and tribal differences, this ceremony is conducted in very many diverse ways but still in accordance to the Provisions of the Quran and the Sunnah. Extravagant spending is not allowed and the burden should not be too cumbersome on either party. The Wali or his representative must approve of the Union. This approval of the Wali in itself serves as deterrent to the Possibility of a divorce.

I'm not saying that there's no room for divorce or it can't happen. What I'm saying in essence is that it's possibility is highly reduced. This is because in times of misunderstanding, members of the families of the wife and the husbands may meet to resolve the conflict amicably. Conflict resolutions are the deterrents that I'm talking about. It helps to foster intimacy and understanding between the couples and their families.

4. Getting to Know Each Other

Before making a final decision, it is essential for the potential spouses to get to know each other better. Engaging in conversations and spending time together can help in understanding each other's personalities, values, and life goals. Quranic verse 30:21 describes the marital relationship as one of mutual "love and mercy."

This part comes after the Wali has approved of the Relationship. This is the Right time for this stage of the relationship. But, unfortunately, most times, we put this part ahead of the Wali's approval and unless, by the Special grace of the Almighty, most do fall in the temptations and machinations of Shaiton who works out some sort of illegal intimacy between the couples that often leads to Zina and consequently the conceive of WALADUZ-ZINAH!

Ordinarily, when you find yourself a sister and have confirmed that she's of high moral and religious standards, you should seek out the permission of the Wali to get a little closer to her and see how compatible you are with her in other matters other than the religious aspect. One of such issues you must check compatibility with is the issue of Polygamy. Even if you have no plans to take more than a wife, you should still push this to her to see her reaction. Prophet Ibrahim had no plan to take a second wife, however, it's his destiny to take a second wife! For this reason, it's important to tell your fiancee that she won't be the only wife! 

You do this in the open not behind closed doors and without making physical contacts. This is to ward off the possibility of falling in the trap of the Shaiton that's so effective when you go into privacy with the sister. This is confirmed in a hadith that says that when a man and a woman are alone in privacy, Ashaiton is the term party! All the meetings usually happens at the Girl's house in the open AND NEVER IN PRIVACY!

 

5. Consulting with Knowledgeable Individuals

Consultation with knowledgeable individuals, such as parents, elders, or religious scholars, can provide valuable insights into the potential spouse's character and suitability for marriage. Their wisdom and experience can help in making an informed decision.

I once heard a brother who said that he has an uncle who would NEVER approve of marriage with a girl that can not produce a paramount and formidable Wali. He said that they once went for an introduction and on getting there, there was no male member of the Girl on seat. So, his said uncle now asked if there is one to which the the mother of the girls confirm that there's none. That answer marked the End of the Relationship.

When asked as to why he doesn't approve, he simply replied that in times of conflict in the marriage, who would he be consulting and discussing with? He further said that since the mother is a single mother, there's high probability that the girl too would end up a single mother and would have the full backing of the mother of the girl who is already one! So, to him, why start something that you already know won't end well?

While, truly, there are exceptions to this, experience of the old men shows that this is the case most of the time! So, instead of gambling with your marital life, it's advisable to just seek for guidance from the older folks and take full advantage of the experience and wisdom of the older generations. So, as the relationship grows, ensure to choose a mentor and seek his advise in times of need! 

Community Involvement

In many Islamic cultures, community involvement plays a significant role in matchmaking. The involvement of the broader community can provide additional support, guidance, and accountability in the marriage process. When a Muslim community is successfully created, life becomes extremely easy and enjoyable. This is because we have the same belief system and our way of life is very similar, this leaves me with very little to consider before getting married as most of the requirements would have been met already by virtue of the existence of such a community. Wherever, in the world that you find a full fletched Muslim Community, marriage becomes extremely easy and a big deal.  This practice fosters a sense of belonging and unity within the Muslim community.

Islamic Story: The Marriage of Fatimah and Ali

To illustrate these practical steps, let's explore the exemplary story of the marriage between Fatimah, the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and Ali ibn Abi Talib (may Allah be pleased with him). Their union exemplifies the importance of faith, character, and divine guidance in choosing a spouse.

Fatimah and Ali were known for their piety, devotion, and humility. They possessed qualities that aligned with the Islamic principles of marriage. Ali's unwavering faith and courage, coupled with Fatimah's exemplary character and devotion to Allah, made them an ideal couple.

Their marriage was not solely based on worldly considerations, such as wealth or social status, but on the core principles of faith and character. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) played a significant role in arranging their marriage, highlighting the importance of family involvement and consultation.

Their union became a source of inspiration for generations of Muslims, emphasizing that a successful marriage in Islam is rooted in faith, character, and divine guidance.

Choosing a wife in Islam involves practical steps that are deeply rooted in faith and character. Seeking Allah's guidance through prayer, evaluating faith and character, seeking the approval of the Wali, getting to know each other, consulting with knowledgeable individuals, and involving the community are essential components of this process.

The story of Fatimah and Ali serves as a timeless example of a marriage founded on faith, character, and divine guidance. By following these practical steps and adhering to Islamic principles, Muslims can strive to make informed and blessed choices in selecting their life partners, fostering a strong and harmonious marital relationship that aligns with the teachings of Islam.

May Allah grant wisdom and guidance to those embarking on this sacred journey of choosing a spouse, and may He bless their unions with love, mercy, and happiness. Aameen.