Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions a person can make, and in Islam, the process is guided by a set of principles and values that prioritize compatibility, shared beliefs, and mutual respect. This blog post will explore practical steps on choosing a husband in Islam, emphasizing the significance of a well-thought-out decision that aligns with Islamic teachings.
1. Seeking Allah's Guidance:
The first and foremost step in choosing a husband in Islam is seeking Allah's guidance through sincere prayer (dua). Muslims believe that Allah knows what is best for them, so asking for His guidance is crucial. Before embarking on this journey, one should turn to Allah for clarity and wisdom in making the right choice. It's highly recommended that the sister should include the request for a compatible good and pious husband in her daily supplications. She might even go as far as asking Allah to make 'Mr Right' to come with certain signs.
2. Understanding Islamic Criteria:
Islam provides clear guidelines for choosing a spouse. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of selecting a spouse based on piety (taqwa) rather than materialistic or superficial criteria. A prospective husband should be a practicing Muslim who observes his religious obligations. This is so important for the sister because once a marital contract is consummated, she's under the control of the husband and it might be a lot difficult to get out. Hence, care must be taken that the proposed husband's religious beliefs and character are at accepted levels.
3. Consultation with Trusted Individuals:
Consulting with family, friends, and religious scholars can be invaluable during the decision-making process. These trusted individuals can offer valuable insights and perspectives, helping you assess compatibility and the potential for a successful marriage.
Another very quick tip here is that the sister should investigate the General conduct of his closest circle of friends, what do they do, how they comport themselves and most importantly, how well do they practice the Deen of Allah?! This is important because the brother may approach you with a facade and try to hide his true colors. He may hide his colours from you but he can't hide those of his friends and those of his friends gives an invite to what to expect from the Brother!
4. Compatibility and Shared Values:
Compatibility in terms of beliefs, values, and life goals is essential for a harmonious marriage. It is crucial to ensure that both partners share similar perspectives on religious matters, family values, and life ambitions. A strong foundation of shared values can help overcome challenges that may arise in the future.
One's core values influences how we take virtually everything in life including religious beliefs. Some men have attended Islamic religious schools and still find it difficult to practice Islam as he ought to while others have highly limited knowledge about Islam but practises what he knows to the fullest! Sisters should take note of this and ensure that hers and those of the Brother are compatible. This can be easily explored by the sister when the brother visits under the Supervision of the Wali.
5. Assessing Character and Conduct:
One's character and conduct are indicators of their true nature. Observing a potential husband's behavior, honesty, integrity, and kindness towards others can provide valuable insights into his character. Look for qualities that align with Islamic teachings, such as patience, humility, and empathy. This is more like an emphasis of the Previous step. The Character of the man is very, very important! It must be acceptable and tolerable if the Sister must enjoy herself in the Marriage. Do NOT be in a haste and calm down, your husband is your husband, he won't abandon you!
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6. Financial Stability:
While wealth should not be the primary factor in choosing a spouse, financial stability is important for a stable and secured family life. Ensure that the prospective husband has the means to provide for the family's basic needs and is responsible with his financial affairs.
However, if he qualifies in the religious and character aspects of it, Allah says in the Quran that He shall enrich those that got married OUT OF PIETY of Allah. What I'm trying to say in essence, is that once a man is known to be pious and of good character he'll definitely do well with his finances and do all he can to make you comfortable. So, just make sure he has a good halal job at hand and you both agree on how you wish to run the finances of the family.
7. Communication and Compatibility:
Open and honest communication is crucial for a successful marriage. Before making a decision, spend time getting to know each other better. Discuss important topics such as future goals, expectations, and how you envision your life together. Evaluate whether you communicate well and resolve conflicts effectively. This is an emphasis of the previous points. This helps to emphasize the importance of keeping an open mind and being transparent in a relationship.
8. Family Approval:
In Islam, family plays a significant role in the marriage process. Seek the approval and blessings of both families involved. A harmonious relationship between families can contribute to a more peaceful and supportive marital journey. This is some people are of the Opinion that when a marriage is consummated, it's more like a merger between two families as against the idea that it's just a mere union between a man and a woman. Marriage is a family affair!
Most divorce are a result of the isolation of the married couple either by one or both families. An aspiring sister must be ready to work hand in hand with her family and making sure that the husband's family understands this - that her family is in full support of the marriage and more importantly, she's ready to integrate fully with the husband's family and be a progressive member of the husband's family too.
It's a very poor idea for the couple to choose to live in isolation (all in the name of Privacy) and the fact that their respective families are condoning this rather divisive idea is not only wrongly but quiet appalling. Some couples can barely feed themselves and still went ahead to relocate from the family house to rent a house elsewhere! This practice is alien to us as Muslims, Islam encourages togetherness in all things especially in the matters of marriage and family. This divisive tendencies and the disapproval of families to most marriages are the Main cause of the many divorces we experience today.
The sister should involve her family members in the marriage process so that if things go wrong, she won't be alone. The family would definitely come to her aid especially when she got married by their permission. The Family shall guide and protect her!
9. Istikhara Prayer:
The Istikhara prayer is a special supplication in Islam used for seeking Allah's guidance in making important decisions. It involves asking Allah to guide you towards what is best for your future. Performing Istikhara can provide a sense of peace and assurance when choosing a husband.
Istikhara is of many types but, as expected, the Prophetic version is the Best of them all. While some require certain things must be observed in a dream, the Prophetic version requires only the observation of situations that occur after the Istikhara prayer has been conducted.
There is this booklet that is in circulation called "Hisnul Muslim" or the "Muslim's Citadel". This Istikhara prayer is in it. Alternatively, you may consult with your local Imaam or religious scholar for it. Having done your Human diligence in choosing a husband, you should finalize the Process with a request for a divine intervention.
10. Trust Your Instincts:
While guidance from Allah and consultation with others are essential, trust your instincts as well. Your heart and intuition often play a significant role in making the right decision. If something doesn't feel right, take it seriously and investigate further. This is AFTER you have exercised all the Islamic recommendations above.
11. Patience and Reflection:
Choosing a husband is not a hasty decision. Take your time, reflect, and pray for guidance. Rushing into such a significant commitment can lead to regrets later on. Patience in the process is a virtue that can lead to a more fulfilling marriage.
As stated earlier, some people appear very pious and honourable but in the real sense of it they're not. You won't be able to tell unless you calm down and follow due process in choosing a husband. So, if the Brother is trying to rush through the process, urge him to calm down and follow through the process calmly. However, ensure that you are not trying to go too slow as well!
12. Istikhara Response:
After performing Istikhara, pay attention to any signs or feelings that may guide your decision. While there may not be a dramatic revelation, you may feel a sense of peace and clarity about your choice.
I know of a friend who performed the Istikhara prayer thrice before visiting the sister's house. He was accepted by the Father but totally rejected by the mother. All efforts were in vain in convincing the mother to accept and approve of the relationship. According to the brother, what he noticed is that the frequency of contacts between him and the sister began to thin out until it was no more - this was the Greatest sign that they weren't compatible!
13. Seeking a Proposal:
If you are satisfied with your choice and believe that he is a suitable husband according to Islamic principles, seek a formal proposal through proper channels, which typically involves your family and his. This ensures a respectful and dignified process.
There's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with the sister being the one to show interest in the Brother. In the same vain, it won't be wrong for the sister to ask the Brother for a proposal. This was the case between the Prophet Muhammad and his first wife, Khadijah. Khadijah was the first to make a move and sought a proposal from the Prophet.
14. Legal and Religious Requirements:
Ensure that all legal and religious requirements for marriage are met. This includes obtaining the necessary documentation and performing the marriage contract (Nikah) in the presence of witnesses and a qualified religious authority. This attracts the full support of the two families involved which is highly necessary for the sustainable growth and development of the new family! Consequently, divorce is most unlikely!
15. Continued Growth and Support:
After marriage, continue to grow spiritually and emotionally together. Support each other in your journey to become better Muslims and better partners. Seek guidance from religious sources and community leaders when faced with challenges. Most importantly, do NOT discourage your family members from visiting. When they visit, it reliefs a lot of stress and solve many problems even before they show up. Plus, you can get to learn a great deal more interesting stuff about your husband's family as well as their value system from his siblings, kith and kins. Hence, you are able to integrate and blend in fully into the family.
In conclusion, choosing a husband in Islam involves a careful and prayerful process that prioritizes compatibility, shared values, and trust in Allah's guidance. By following these practical steps and adhering to Islamic principles, individuals can make informed decisions that lead to fulfilling and enduring marriages. Remember that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and with the right intentions and efforts, it can be a source of blessings and happiness in this life and the hereafter.
May Allah bless our Marriages and Families abundantly. Aameen.
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